“ why am I getting worse again ” she thought while the muffled sounds of girl in red played in the other room where all her friends were. she lied alone in the dark bedroom wrapped up in her girlfriends hoodie. her girlfriend being the only reason she’s still alive, the only reason she hasn’t given up yet. her thoughts crowded her head while she heard the laughter of her friends in the other room enjoying themselves. “ why can’t i be happy anymore, why don’t i feel that” she cried into the pillow silently hoping they didn’t hear. she doesn’t want to worry them. the thoughts got too much for her so she finally gets the energy to drag herself out her friends bed onto the floor. she searched her friends bag with tears dropping onto the floor looking for something, just anything that could make her feel something again. make her bleed. make her at least feel pain again. she found a pack of razors and snuck one into the back of her phone case. she would’ve used it right there and then but the voice of her girlfriend from the other room just rang in her ears remembering how much it would hurt her if she cut again. she tried for so long not to. the last time she did the genuine pain in the girlfriends eyes broke her. she couldn’t do that to her again.
hours passed but she still laid there hoping for some kind of feeling other then nothingness. finally, her girlfriend starts walking towards the room. “please just lie with me for a bit” she hoped. even for just a minute. her girlfriends head peered around the corner of the door. even though the room was dark she could still picture her beautiful face being there. “ i’m just going to go home for a bit to get some stuff” the girlfriend says. “ oh” she whispers back. “ are you ok?” the girlfriend asks. she can’t worry her so she manages to say “yup” while holding in the pain she doesn’t want anyone else to feel. the girlfriend leaves.
alone.
again.
a half hour passes.
“ i can’t take this anyone” she thinks. she gets up, and just leaves. the door is always unlocked so she could just leave easily. no one came after her, no one cares. no one fucking cares anymore. she gets down the stairs, opens the door and just starts running. she runs and runs, doesn’t care where she’s going, she just wants to be gone, to be alone, to not piss anyone off anymore. for no one to hate her anymore. she doesn’t know this area, but she doesn’t care. she’s just finally feeling something, tears start rolling down her face, the first time she’s properly cried for a while. she gets to a big grassy park but continues running, normally she can barely run, ever for 30 seconds but today she could. “ why the fuck am i like this” she thinks “ why me”
“ why can’t this stop”
“ i’ve tried to make it stop before but it never works”
“ what if i were to try again” she thinks. what if finally she could make it stop.
she keeps running. just wishing she would run onto a motorway or something. hoping the nothingness would end.
she can’t see anymore, the tears have filled her eyes, everything’s blurred. something brings her to a stop.
her head starts pounding while she realises she is now lying on the floor, a fucking sign, seriously she ran into a fucking sign. she brings her hand up to her forehead then feels something wet and warm. blood. great. she stays lying on the floor and just screams. hoping someone would hear and finally ask if she’s ok but actually mean it. she lies there for fuck knows how long all she sees is the stars and the moon. her feet are stinging but she doesn’t know why so she sits up finally only to realise she forgot her shoes. her feet are covered in cuts, she must have ran over broken glass or something. “ for fucksake” she mutters. she stands up and just stares at the sign in front of her. hoping something would happen. maybe her girlfriend being there or something. she sticks her hand into her pocket, searching for her phone. her head had gone numb from the cold so had her feet. she wanted to feel more pain. she turns on her phone just to see 11 missed calls. now her friends care. bullshit. now that i’m not there they start to worry. fuck off. until she sees one name between the notifications. fuck. her girlfriend had gone back to the house just to realise no one knew where she was. she was worried sick.
she had fucked up again. worried the only person there for her anymore. she was going to lose her sometime soon. and it would be her fault.
she throws her phone at the floor screaming. she was so done with herself. she wanted to fucking die. she falls to her knees crying. knowing that eventually she’d lose everyone and everything. she grabs her phone, pulls off the phone case and grabs the razor. she pulls up her sleeve and just starts to let her anger out on her arm. the blood dripping to the floor and merging with the puddles from the night before when it had rained. her arm was now covered in blood. not an inch of skin could be seen. she gets up and starts running again. this time with blood dripping behind her, her arm rubbing against her hoodie. she liked the stinging. finally she sees a road. full of cars speeding. no one cared about speed limits anymore. thank god, the faster the car the more chance of it killing her. she walks along the road until she sees a bridge. it was about 3am so she was the only person walking the streets. she climbs up the stairs to the bridge and sits on the edge.
“is this it? “ she wonders
“ will the pain finally be gone?”
she stands up and starts swaying back and forward, only lightly , edging herself towards the edge, feeling the wind against her face. the blood from her arm still dripping to the floor, she’s about to step forward until she hears her phone, ringing again, through the cracks of her screen she can make out a name. it was her girlfriend.
she answers.
her girlfriend crying through the phone just wanting to know where she was and if she was ok.
she had tried so long to stay for her but not anymore, she couldn’t anymore.
“ i love you” she gets the courage to say, even with the lump in her throat from crying.
“ i’m so sorry” and then
she takes the step forward.
Peace at last, those last few seconds while falling through the air, feeling your stomach drop.
It was exhilarating
